Kicked Out of Canada
November 9, 2012 in Offbeat
Banned From Canada
One fall day in 2004 maybe 2005 I just remember it was cool out comfortable cool, leather jacket cool and the leaves had fallen so it was fall, Kiel and I were getting stoned at the condo. The condo was a kind of defacto clubhouse, it was owned by Steve’s grandparents and when they moved to Florida they let Steve move in. Steve in turn allowed the crew to utilize it as a base of operations the condo, was right next to midway mall in Elyria and it was never locked, so Kiel and I were smoking spliff after spliff just talking high. Kiel at one point mentioned that he knew a place in Windsor Canada that created excellent fake ID’s he swore these cards would actually swipe and scan these were the real deal Kiel said!
“Of course” I thought,
“This place is probably run by the Russian mob it all makes perfect sense!”
Kiel exhaling a ganja cloud as he nodded
“Ya man perfect sense these id’s are legit, Russian mob makes sense who else could pull this off”
Now in reality neither of us had any verifiable proof nor even grounds to believe or reason that these ID’S were distributed by the Russian Mob, we had been smoking non stop, no sleep since the night before now mid afternoon we were baked beyond belief. Adding to the ridiculous nature of the mission now beginning to take form was the fact that I was already 21 years old, had no need of a fake ID to buy Alcohol but the Id was not for me. The ID I had in mind would be made out to Gibraltar Stamos my Greco Cuban revolutionary alter ego, the Id would be his Florida drivers license because of course Gibraltar being Cuban, would live in Florida. I explained this to Kiel as we I lit another spliff , this was a chance of a lifetime to legitimize our alias’s both Kiel and Cody Bliff agreed we must be on our way to Canada immediately!
We each grabbed our perspective things I grabbed my brown leather coat shoved a eighth of lemon diesel kind buds and a pack of zigzags into the interior pocket and grabbed my trustee urban tactical Kershaw fighting knife, placing it into its perspective pocket. Kiel followed suit he had well over a ounce of mersh and a eighth of bubble gum kush with out having referred to me he had also grabbed his fighting Knife where as mine was a knarley black folder with a 4 inch tonto blade and a switch trigger, Kiel’s weapon of choice was more to the point it was for all intents and purposes a hunting knife 6 inch fixed blade with bleed holes just resting in a holster on his belt covered by his hoody. We were rather militant in those days, it was just common practice to make sure you had your knife just incase things should escalate.
In retrospect there was no reason we needed a quarter of premium grade marijuana between us and a full ounce of your standard run of the mill pot, however our point of view was we had our personal stash and we were both in agreement why not have a little to sell off if we got in a jam, needed some cash or just found a party! Still burning a spliff we jumped in my 1997 bright green Plymouth neon that coincidently enough I had purchased from Kiel a few years back when he worked for a dealership that car was a steal, and has seen more action than the dukes of hazards general lee. The 911 was a inside job and infowars.com Job Bumper Stickers the neon proudly displayed were in my opinion far more bad ass than the general lee’s trade mark confederate flag paint job. Everyone knows I am blind as a bat and really a pretty terrible driver, this being the case Kiel was in the driver seat I was ridding shotgun we were burning spliff after spliff we were Canada bound.
The 2 hours that it took to get from Cleveland to Detroit consisted of talk of revolution, we discussed our alter ego’s Cody Bliff and Gibraltar Stamos who would soon have there very own legitimate I’D cards or so we thought and we consumed copious amounts of Ganja windows rolled up blasting classic rock. Before we knew it we were crossing the ambassador bridge that would lead us from Detroit to the Canadian boarder.
Pulling up to the boarder crossing I snubbed out the spliff we had just finished and Kiel maneuvered the neon into line in preparation to cross into Canada. While in line baked out of my mind, I noticed these large boxes facing each of the cars as they pulled under the tollbooth looking structures that made up the boarder crossing area. I wondered to myself could those be X-Ray machines used to detect suspicious objects in the cars before they were permitted into the country. My thoughts turned to the fact that my trunk was filled with several paintball guns and ammo boxes filled with the CO2 tanks used in the sport. Only after seeing these X-Ray style devices focused on the car before us while it was questioned by a boarder agent did I wonder if maybe this mission was a mistake before I could say anything we were being waved forward by a boarder agent. I sprayed some cologne Kiel lit a cigarette both vein attempts to mask the over whelming odor that is produced by two straight hours of marijuana use in a small car with wreck lace disregard of the fact that we sought to gain entry into a sovereign nation.
The boarder agent sitting in a booth, than began asking us the standard questions.
“What is your business in Canada”
“Casino” I answered glassy eyed from the passenger seat, Kiel sitting at the wheel looking straight ahead, hands resting on the wheel at ten and two, we must have looked suspect to say nothing of the smell.
“How long will you be in Canada ? Do you have anything to declare?”
“We are leaving in the morning sir nothing to declare other than the fact that my friend and I love our neighbor to the north”
“Stand by” the officer replied .
We sat there car idling for what seemed like an eternity, listening to the officers radio buzz and squawk just below our comprehension. My heart started beating harder, they’re X-Raying our car we are going to be pulled over I thought. Kiel was Stoic to say the least I don’t know if it was the cool collected military baring of a true professional or just the massive amounts of marijuana pacifying any inclination of potential danger ahead, either way my brother was calm, I was terrified.
The radio in the booth boomed something that sounded nonnegotiable the officer mumbled some sort of confirmation to the affirmative and than motioned to us from his booth pointing to a building standing ominously off the shoulder.
“I am going to need you to pull over to the pavilion for further inspection.”
“Yes sir” I said as Kiel let off the break and we began to slowly move forward.
As soon as we had cleared the booth I saw we had a decision to make and we only had moments to make it. The facts were that we were in a car filled with narcotics we were both armed, we were trying to gain access to a foreign nation and we were about to be detained. I made a decision and turned to my brother in arms.
“You know Kiel, the man said go over to the pavilion”
I than pointed to the welcome to Canada sign neglecting the obvious detaining area to our right pointing at the Canadian boarder about a quarter mile in front of us I said.
“Kiel that looks like a pavilion to me, what do you think?”
Kiel said foot light on the gas, straightening the wheel Canada bound. We were committed at this point the first eighth mile no one seemed to notice our green Plymouth neon driving ten miles an hour toward the boarder. Than as it became apparent we were definitely not stopping a officer ran from the building that should have been our true destination on the right, and began shouting and waving for us to pull over at the facility. As if on cue Kiel and I each rolled up our perspective windows pretending not to hear the command, Kiel gave it a bit more gas now maybe we were doing 15 mph than all hell broke loose. Each of the buildings along the initial boarder crossing behind us had a small light on top these lights began flashing behind us, we just kept our steady creep foreword as if the light was for some one else. Than a siren began to screech this was harder to ignore we both some how managed it. The boarder fast approaching it seemed to me if we could only cross the line we would disappear into the country no harm no foul after all we may be armed and have narcotics in the car but all in all good people, no harm no foul right.
Sirens screeching, lights flashing our tiny neon just continued its crawl we were nearly home free when all the sudden I saw a garage open at the building behind us that should have been our true destination. Out roared a black SUV with a siren of its own it quickly over took us and a man began bull horning us.
“PULL OVER! PULL OVER!”
Kiel looked at me still stoic in his resolve as if asking with out asking
“Should I punch it! Should we make our break for it?”
I looked at Kiel and the boarder Agent screaming at us over Kiel’s
Shoulder through a bullhorn and just shook my head Kiel nodded and slowly pulled over only feet from Canada proper.
We were greeted by four Men wearing military style fatigues they came piling out of the SUV that had screeched along side of us.
“Get out of the Car!” they yelled hands on their holstered weapons.
Out we came each out our perspective doors each was met by two men slamming us against the side of the neon screaming at the top of there lung.
“What the Fuck did you think you were doing, not stopping!”
We both answered in unison
“We didn’t hear you.”
This got each of us a solid kidney punch and a kick to the back of the leg as we were cuffed and marched to the building that should have been our original destination.
Upon arriving in the detaining area we were searched while another team rifled through my car removing several interior panels. The first thing they found were our knives each looking more like a weapon than anything a boy scout would carry.
“These little fucks are armed chief !” said one of the officers
“ Uhhhhhh” was the only defense we could muster
Next the marijuana began to present itself which consisted originally of two personal bags of high-grade marijuana and a large bag Bobby Browns Greatest Hits! They also found two additional knives in my car and a police style baton, again with no good explanation. Taking into consideration the fatigues and the paintball equipment they found in my trunk they began threatening us asking if we belonged to some sort of militant group. I guess it depends what you consider group and what you consider militant because ETU is a group and I would say militant tendencies do present themselves from time to time but only under the best of intentions. At one point after things had calmed down a bit we were cuffed to a bench, I watched two officers go over my leather coat stitch by stitch, they had already found all the weed that we had or so I thought, at this point we were already caught red handed guilty as sin. All of the sudden they find a interior pocket that I didn’t even remember I had, they pull out the brownest little dime bag of what looked more like mulch than marijuana, it must have been there for years.
“A Hah!” said one officer
“You didn’t tell us about this one” said the other.
“I forgot” I said
“You know why you forgot smart guy?” said the first officer.
“Because I smoke pot! How ironic” was my reply.
“What the Fuck were you two thinking coming to our country with drugs, knives and than not complying when you are told to pull over you have got to be two of the dumbest fucking Americans I have ever met!”
“Yeah” Kiel and I replied in halfhearted unison.
We were detained for the better part of three hours, we were than made to sign extradition papers saying that we were being extradited back across Ambassador Bridge to the U.S. The forms also stated we had been apprehended with marijuana, concealed weapons and had tried to evade search by the Canadian boarder patrol as well as indicating that we were prohibited from returning to Canada for ten years. After signing the forms and being made to understand that we were not to attempt to reenter Canada again for the next decade otherwise we were subject to face international charges, we were instructed to be on our way.
So we loaded back into the neon three hours later many of the interior panels had been ripped out and were strewn across the back seat. Kiel in the drivers seat again we headed back over the bridge, both still very high the entire scene was more like a dream than reality. I was holding the stack of extradition paperwork and looking over them as we drove over the bridge toward the United States Boarder Crossing. What concerned me was the possibility of being charged with possession of marijuana and who knows what else by our home country when we presented them with the paper work stating what we had just been through. I looked at Kiel as we approached the familiar tollbooth looking checkpoint of the United States boarder, I decided yet again we had only seconds to take decisive action in order to minimize trouble on our home soil.
“Kiel…”I said wearily as he pulled into line behind the other cars awaiting entrance to the U.S.
“Yeah B” he said in his typical, what will be will be fashion.
“ This is where we can really get in trouble, this is the U.S let me do the talking I am not going to give them the papers. If they ask for them that’s one thing if they don’t mention what just happened over on the Canadian side I don’t see an reason to bring it up.”
“Yeah Man” Kiel said half interested.
“Right on brother I got this”
Now it was our turn we rambled slowly up to the booth I stuffed the forms under my seat.
“Hello” I said from the passenger seat to the woman perched in the booth.
“Hello, what were you doing in Canada?”
“Casino” I said
“How long had you been there?” she asked
“We arrived earlier today” not really a lie I thought.
“Any thing to declare?” she asked.
“Just Glad to be home” I said
She was just about to say welcome back to the United States when all of the sudden Kiel Chimed in.
“Hey B what about those papers?”
“What papers!” She demanded.
My heart sank into my stomach, defeated I reached under my seat handed her the stack of forms, she looked over them quickly anger flashing across her face.
“Every thing you just told me is was a lie! Pull into that Garage!”
“ Yes Mam” I looked to the right this structure looked much more ominous than its Canadian counter part. I nodded to Kiel who drove us toward a homeland security officer in black tactical fatigues who was grimly directing us to drive into a small cement building that resembled a bunker more than a garage. The door shut behind us as several homeland security agents approached the car instructing us to step out of the vehicle.
“Get out of the car” demanded one of the officers.
We both got out of the car they cuffed us and walked us from the car bay to a dank little holding room with a ominous drain in the middle of the floor, all I could think was that drain must be for when they knock you around they can just spray the place down after. Another officer walked in he had the stack of forms regarding the incident that had occurred just a mile down the road on the Canadian side of the bridge.
“WTF do you little bastards think your doing going into a sovereign nation in a car filled with dope and knives you must be the two stupidest bastards in the entire state of Ohio” He barked at us.
“Yes sir” I replied this time I really was scared these guys meant business.
“Do you realize I have thousands of kilos of Cocaine coming across this boarder every day and I have to waste my time with you dumb shits.”
“Sorry sir I replied” Kiel hadn’t said a word, I was sure I was going to vomit on the floor, good thing there is a drain I thought.
“Here is what we are going to do” Barked the officer in charge.
“Do you have any more drugs in that Car!”
“No sir “ I replied certain that this was correct since the Canadians had spent hours going through my car and had found all the marijuana we had and even some we didn’t know we had.
“Ok If I don’t find anything your free to go, If there is anything I should know tell me now, because if I search that shit box and find one Fucking seed you little shits don’t tell me about before hand, I am going to charge you fucks with international drug trafficking and that little shit box of a car is going to be auctioned off, you under stand!”
“Yes Sir” We said in unison
“And there is nothing in that car!”
“No Sir the Canadians found everything.”
“All right I’ll be back” he stormed out leaving us chained to the bench in the dank little room with the ominous little drain, we could hear them in the adjacent room going through my car. After ten minutes the same officer came charging in.
“GUESS WHAT I FOUND, YOU LITTLE SHIT FUCKS!”
“Dear God I prayed” the beginning of a dry heave starting to crawl up my throat.
He held out his hand, in his black gloved palm there rested one bright green tiny little nugget not even enough to pack a one hitter. My stomach twisted and I began to get dizzy staring at the ominous little drain in the floor.
“All that shit I said, its happening now! You dumb Fucks lied to me your wasting my time now your doing time.”
The room started spinning Kiel was stoic as always he had not said a word he was just ready to accept what ever may come. I began stringing together murmuring nonsense it was really pathetic it must have been hilarious for the cops though they weren’t laughing.
“Please officer we are so sorry I mumbled we will never go to Canada again, your right we are the two dumbest kids in the entire United States, don’t arrest us don’t take my car I live in my car.” I just vomited shameless murmuring after shameless murmuring down that whole in the floor, fueled by pure fear, sickness and panic.
“I’ll be back!” the officer got up slamming the door behind him we sat silent chained to a bench I just kept staring down the drain in the floor sure I really was the biggest jack ass God had ever put on this earth.
“You little Shits are Lucky I don’t have time to waste on the paper work it would take to through the book at you. Get outa here” he said as two deputies uncuffed us and placed us in the car, which did not have a single interior panel intact.
“Just so we are Clear you even try to cross this boarder again your in shit so deep you will drowned and Canada has declared you two are subject to arrest if found on Canadian soil at any point during the next ten years, You understand!
“Yes Sir we will never come back again” I said as Kiel backed the car out of the cement complex, I thought I could see one of the officers point and chuckle to his buddy as we drove away and began our limp back to Cleveland.