Jesse Ventura – Celestial Detective
November 10, 2012 in Offbeat
Jesse Ventura, renown ex-navy seal, ex-pro wrestler, ex-B movie star, ex-governor and well.. just about ex-everything, heady from his fantastic new season opener decides to pull out the stops and go after the greatest conspiracy theory of all time.
Yes indeed ladies and gentlemen, Jesse and his crack team have discovered that the conspiracy doesn’t stop with the reptilians and their horrendous control over the minds of the worlds top political leaders. It goes higher- much higher. According to a recent poll in TIME magazine it seems that over half of the WORLDS POPULATION belive that the entire universe is run by celestial beings under the sinister influence of a divine being!
However, no job is too tough for a Navy SEAL and all around macho guy like Jesse. He begins to prepare his arsenal of machine guns and assorted paraphernalia that he’ll need to ferret out these intruders. He instructs his team to round up the usual mob of psychics, speakers in tongues, snake handlers, pay per-view evangelists and other credible witnesses in order to get at the heart of the problem.
During an exclusive meeting with one of the top researchers on the subject in an underground cave, Jesse learns that there is a large group of the celestial beings holed up in a underground bunker somewhere in the unchartered wilds of upstate New York. Jesse promptly saddles up and with his crack team in tow goes forth to battle the enemy.
On arriving at an undisclosed location, Jesse promptly hires a local Indian witch doctor who claims to have found the location of the secret base. The witch doctor points to local power lines in the area and claims these lead to the bunker. Reason being- these lines convey an amazing FIVE THOUSAND volts of electrical power. After surveying the area in commando mode, Jesse and team find defining cracks in the ground that might lead to the entrance of the cult headquarters. Unfortunately, at this point, one of the team (a renown psychic) starts hopping up and down and crying uncontrollably. “It’s too horrible! I just can’t go down in there” she cries in dismay. Nonplussed, Jesse and the witch doctor move to an alternate location. It seems a reservoir run off channel may be the best bet to attack the enemy. Sadly, it is in use at the time so the entire plan is scrapped.
Faced with plummeting ratings and the closing minutes of the show, Jesse Ventura (Celestial Detective) decides to go after the big enchilada himself. He assembles the gang and flies off to Rome, Italy. Unaccountably an interview has been set up with the worlds most renown authority on the subject. The Pope himself. What follows is the unforgettable confrontation between the two:
(open on the Pope and his aides sitting at a conference table in the Vatican. Jesse struts in wearing his distinctive tight pants and ponytail)
Jesse: I’m JESSE VENTURA Ex-Navy SEAL. If I can’t see it, touch it or taste it. It DOESN’T exist.
Pope: Pleased to meet you. Won’t you sit down.
J: JESSE VENTURA doesn’t play games. I want to know- Where can I see GOD?
P: Well, Jesse, that’s a question that has been contemplated by countless numbers of souls. This may well require some time to answer to your satisfaction.
J: Don’t give me that political double speak. Just answer yes or no! Where can I see GOD?
P: Jesse- Where can I see GOD is not a yes/no question.
J: Stop avoiding the issue. Just answer the question!…… I’m beginning to think that you don’t know!
P: Jesse… I’m giving an eight hour lecture to the Vatican University this afternoon where I will go into it in great detail. Why don’t you come as my guest?
J: JESSE VENTURA doesn’t have eight hours to sit through a lecture. Didn’t anyone tell you I’m the ex-governor of Minnesota?
P: Where is Minnesota?
J: That does it! Admit it-You’re just in it for the money, aren’t you? How much have you made off this scam?
(the pope speaks off camera to an aide)
P: I thought this was supposed to be a serious interview.
(Jesse continues to rant and rave and the Pope picks up and leaves)
(Cut to the Pope)
P: This moron is totally off his rocker
(cut to Jesse)
J: Come back here and say that to my face!!
(cut to end credits)
(cut to obscurity)
(cut to oblivion)