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Jesse Ventura – Celestial Detective

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November 10, 2012 in Offbeat


Jesse Ventura, renown ex-navy seal, ex-pro wrestler, ex-B movie star, ex-governor and well.. just about ex-everything, heady from his fantastic new season opener decides to pull out the stops and go after the greatest conspiracy theory of all time.

Yes indeed ladies and gentlemen, Jesse and his crack team have discovered that the conspiracy doesn’t stop with the reptilians and their horrendous control over the minds of the worlds top political leaders. It goes higher- much higher. According to a recent poll in TIME magazine it seems that over half of the WORLDS POPULATION belive that the entire universe is run by celestial beings under the sinister influence of a divine being!

However, no job is too tough for a Navy SEAL and all around macho guy like Jesse. He begins to prepare his arsenal of machine guns and assorted paraphernalia that he’ll need to ferret out these intruders. He instructs his team to round up the usual mob of psychics, speakers in tongues, snake handlers, pay per-view evangelists and other credible witnesses in order to get at the heart of the problem.

During an exclusive meeting with one of the top researchers on the subject in an underground cave, Jesse learns that there is a large group of the celestial beings holed up in a underground bunker somewhere in the unchartered wilds of upstate New York. Jesse promptly saddles up and with his crack team in tow goes forth to battle the enemy.

On arriving at an undisclosed location, Jesse promptly hires a local Indian witch doctor who claims to have found the location of the secret base. The witch doctor points to local power lines in the area and claims these lead to the bunker. Reason being- these lines convey an amazing FIVE THOUSAND volts of electrical power. After surveying the area in commando mode, Jesse and team find defining cracks in the ground that might lead to the entrance of the cult headquarters. Unfortunately, at this point, one of the team (a renown psychic) starts hopping up and down and crying uncontrollably. “It’s too horrible! I just can’t go down in there” she cries in dismay. Nonplussed, Jesse and the witch doctor move to an alternate location. It seems a reservoir run off channel may be the best bet to attack the enemy. Sadly, it is in use at the time so the entire plan is scrapped.

Faced with plummeting ratings and the closing minutes of the show, Jesse Ventura (Celestial Detective) decides to go after the big enchilada himself. He assembles the gang and flies off to Rome, Italy. Unaccountably an interview has been set up with the worlds most renown authority on the subject. The Pope himself. What follows is the unforgettable confrontation between the two:

(open on the Pope and his aides sitting at a conference table in the Vatican. Jesse struts in wearing his distinctive tight pants and ponytail)

Jesse: I’m JESSE VENTURA Ex-Navy SEAL. If I can’t see it, touch it or taste it. It DOESN’T exist.

Pope: Pleased to meet you. Won’t you sit down.

J: JESSE VENTURA doesn’t play games. I want to know- Where can I see GOD?

P: Well, Jesse, that’s a question that has been contemplated by countless numbers of souls. This may well require some time to answer to your satisfaction.

J: Don’t give me that political double speak. Just answer yes or no! Where can I see GOD?

P: Jesse- Where can I see GOD is not a yes/no question.

J: Stop avoiding the issue. Just answer the question!…… I’m beginning to think that you don’t know!

P: Jesse… I’m giving an eight hour lecture to the Vatican University this afternoon where I will go into it in great detail. Why don’t you come as my guest?

J: JESSE VENTURA doesn’t have eight hours to sit through a lecture. Didn’t anyone tell you I’m the ex-governor of Minnesota?

P: Where is Minnesota?

J: That does it! Admit it-You’re just in it for the money, aren’t you? How much have you made off this scam?

(the pope speaks off camera to an aide)

P: I thought this was supposed to be a serious interview.

(Jesse continues to rant and rave and the Pope picks up and leaves)

(Cut to the Pope)

P: This moron is totally off his rocker

(cut to Jesse)

J: Come back here and say that to my face!!

(cut to end credits)

(cut to obscurity)

(cut to oblivion)

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6 responses to Jesse Ventura – Celestial Detective

  1. Makes me feel empathy towards Jesse Ventura being misunderstood :’)

    I feel Jesse did not believe Reptilian existed and he was afraid if, it were not true previous shows will lose credibilities and he felt he could not allow that to happen for humanity waking up & rising up. Jesse sometimes wants answer too quickly, Navy Style, Yes or No Style, and if, someone can not answer immediately Jesse V feels there must be something wrong. in order to interview David icke, Jesse needs to Relax and let him talk long time, listen before make any conclusion and that was not enough time for Tru TV neither. I saw a glance of Jesse trying to understand about Reptilian so, he is not totally stubborn and doesNot just shut out things and does air plug his ears like some Sheeple in Denial do. It is a Jesse V’s tendency ( not always ) that he want immediate answer and David Icke felt mistreated and felt more like prosecution than getting interview. David also Felt Violated the way Jesse asked David doing it for money, he could ask in the different tone at least. I like both Jesse V and David Icke and understand each other’s tendencies will make then evolute more with wisdoms. Jesse V running independent seems great, it shows his attitude and I like How Jesse V handle Larry King who is Deeply in the Satanic Ring, Jesse V does not hesitate, that is a great Warrior side of Jesse, many people sell out by surrounded by hollywerid people & politicians. I would like to tell Jesse Ventura Thank you for the works that not many people stand tall in hollywerid can do and also would like to suggest Relax when u r with David and just listen long time before u make any decisions and even u disagree, try not to cut him off in the middle of David’s Speaking no matter how B.S. Jesse feels then, after David talk enough, Jesse V organize questions and start interviewing. This can not be done by Tru TV ( because it is limited time length ). I donot feel Jesse Ventura hate David Icke But, David Icke is feeling Violated by the offensive way of Jesse saying “ are you doing this for money?” .. he could question this in a different tone at least, but, that was really prosecution Navy Style. This Style Can Be Great when he prosecute UK Royal family and Satanic Pedophile Rings and to many other corrupted people Al gore would b awesome, to0 sorry English my 2nd language

  2. Wel, my esteem for Jesse Ventura has hit an alltime low. I admire, on the other had both Alex Jones and David Icke whom I consider to be the leading authorities of the subject of global governance and population control. It’s just sad that Jesse Ventura doesn’t get it and is so lost in his own ego. It just goes to show what notarity can do to some people.

  3. Very good parody! But you forgot, I’m Jesse Ventura, net worth 12 million, who just sold out to Hollywood to keep my show. I see you made 2 million last year selling books, dvd’s, running an informative website, speaking and educating people around the clock… admit you’re just in it for the money, and you’re just a phony running a control game! Ventura is really proving his worth these days, and how can Alex justify setting David. up like that?

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